Caught in a Mirage

What a strange experience the last week has been. We have been caught in a mirage - just as we were warned might happen, in the desert plains of Goldfish Lodge, by my trusty guidebook the A.B.C Complete Guide to Homeward. The mirage experience was different for us all. I found myself on the stage of 'Homeward's Got Talent' a popular television programme on DTV - the dwarfs channel. I decided to sing "I Dreamed a Dream" - it reminds of my early days as a destitute and poor elephant, before I pulled myself up by my bootstraps. Standing in front of the blazing television lights and a crowd of 3,000, I knew that many of them were simply waiting for me to fail because of the way I look - clearly they were expecting some loud trumpeting noise to issue forth from my trunk. To raised eyebrows from the judges and stifled laughter from the audience, I told them of my ambition to be a professional singer. Clearly the mirage effect had picked up on one of my long suppressed ambitions and made it come true. For, if I had not pursued a life in business and politics, and become the successful entrepreneur I am today, I may well have sought a career as a troubadour. Contrary to what one might expect of my svelte but heavy boned figure, I actually have quite a small singing voice. It is certainly different from my usual thundering tones and the Old Monkey once described it as mellifluous. Hateman, vindictive creature that he is, says I sing in a rather mincing way. Given that his singing sounds like a cat being strangled, I think we can safely put that remark down to jealousy. As I began to sing their expressions changed; cynicism was replaced by whopping, broad smiles and the wiping away of tears. I finished to a standing ovation. It just goes to show that you should never judge a book by its cover. Just because I am a successful tycoon it does not mean that I cannot sing like an angel. During my week in the mirage I was feted around the world - I have to say that it made a pleasant change to be world famous for my voice rather than for the fact that I am expected to solve the world recession. I have to say I was rather sorry when the mirage dissolved away leaving us all in the desert once more - and no nearer discovering the reason for the drying up of the rental income from Goldfish Lodge. We must continue to follow the tube, down which the shillings should flow. Mark my words, however, I have no doubt that Hateman and his gang are behind this criminal act.