There is a nasty bout of flu going around Badgertown.
The Badfort Crowd have caught it and, as usual, are blaming me.
They claim that it originated from my herd of pigs at Swine Tower and have dubbed it 'Homeward Swine Flu'
They are protesting outside the tower, accusing me of keeping dirty pigs in unsanitary conditions.
This is arrant nonsense - my pigs live in one of the most comfortable towers in Homeward and have all mod cons. En-suite bathrooms, fitted carpets and flat screen television. They have exemplary manners and are very clean and tidy.
The poor pigs are scared witless by all the Badfort Crowd's shouting. One of the side effects of this flu seems to be that it engenders the most appalling behaviour - badgers have been rioting on the streets and demanding the King of the Badgers be deposed. It has made the Badfort Crowd twice as insufferable and even more anarchic than usual.
I asked Gleamhound to investigate the epidemiology of this strain of flu.
"I do not think that there can be any doubt of the true origination of the current outbreak." he confided in me "Take a look through this microscope at the virus."
We had our answer - the little devils were the spitting image of the Badfort Crowd - one of them was even carrying skewers and frothing at the mouth like Hitmouse!
Not surprising really - given the appalling state of hygiene that exists at Badfort.
It also explains the side effects - the inhabitants of Badgertown have been infected with behavioural aspects of the Badfort Crowd.
"Have you come up with a cure?" I asked the famous biochemist.
"Oh yes, no problem. I have called it "Gleamhound's Patent Badfort Flu Cure"
"Well, you must make sure that the Badfort Crowd get it straight away!" I declared.
Of course, Gleamhound's medicines are universally known for there propensity to work in the opposite way to that intended. His bunion cure is guaranteed to give you bunions.
"By the way, I don't suppose that you could come up with a formula to infect people with Badfort Flu, could you?" I asked in a nonchalant manner.
"Certainly, although I cannot see what use it might have?" he queried.
"Oh, I think it may prove useful - I would like to order a few million doses anyway!" I replied.
Gleamhound shook his head as if I was mad, but, making a quick calculation in his head I could see that he had realised that this would make him richer than he had ever been before.
"Well, certainly, Sir, if that is what you wish I will get on to it straight away. But what about the cure? won't you be require a great deal more of that?" he asked.
"Oh, I think that the problem will not be as great as feared!" I declared, knowing that with the distribution of the infection formula everyone would soon be protected.
I might even let the Badfort Crowd have some - another dose of their own bad behaviour might make them insufferable.