A Cask of Ham and a Bucket of Koolvat

As you are aware I am renowned as a bit of a gourmet. I have had so many requests, from readers of my biography, for recipes that I have decided to publish my own cook book. It will be entitled "A Cask of Ham and a Bucket of Koolvat". My chef, the little dwarf, Mig and I have started to select some of the great gastronomic delights of Homeward to go into the book. He wants to include some of the culinary triumphs he has developed making use of his unique style of oxy-acetylene cooking. I will include many of my favourite recipes - Water Melon Pickle, Miss Maidy's Breadfruit, Sharpener Cordial, Old Monkey's hot ginger wine, Goodman's Goat, Koolvat, Butterskin Mute Butter Beans, Jelly Skyscraper, Badfort Buttered Biscuits (flavoured with Black Tom), boiled jelly-fish, ram-marrow tarts and of course many recipes utilising bananas and ham. My publisher says that if I get it out in time for the Christmas market it is bound to sell in millions. The Old Monkey says it will teach Jamie Oliver a lesson. Apparently he is some oik who caused some upset at Dr Lyre's school. He did not approve of the school dinners. He persuaded old Lyre to ban the children from eating "Coggins" (a kind of sweet) and eventually there was a revolt led by Noddy Ninety. I'll put the occasional recipe up here for you to try out.