Tuesday, 10 June 2008

Expedition Diary – Extract 2




This is a personal account of the remarkable journey undertaken, by myself and the Old Monkey, to investigate the strange anomaly within the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower.

Expedition Diary – Extract 2

We had passed through the anomaly, within the Cooling Tower, only to discover that Beaver Hateman had made use of the fact that all my followers were away to overpower Homeward.

The place was crawling with the Badfort Crowd !

We grabbed what weapons we could from the helicopter. Luckily I had packed my large wooden club and the Old Monkey had his trusty coconuts. He is an excellent shot.

Quietly, we made are way stealthily down the stairs to the Great Hall.

It was a hive of activity. Beaver Hateman sat behind my desk issuing orders and taking reports ! Good God, he was even wearing a suit !

He was in conference with Hootman. “So, how goes the Five-Year Plan, Hootman.” he asked. “All, is going very well, Sir, coal and iron production have both quadrupled their output, electric power production has increased and 50 new industrial plants have been built.” replied Hootman.

I could stand this no longer! The bare-faced cheek of the man….sitting behind my desk issuing orders!...

“Let’s get them!” I shouted to the Old Monkey and we ran from our hiding place as I wielded the club around my head.

Before I could get to Beaver, however, we were surrounded by his cronies aiming their crossbows at us.

“Not you, again!” said Beaver in an exasperated tone. “Don’t you ever give up? What is it this time? Another Duck Bomb attack? At least you have made an effort to dress decently for this visit.” he laughed at me.

He laughed at me !!!

“How dare you sit behind my desk ridiculing me!” I shouted “Remove yourself at once and leave with your cronies – my followers will be here soon.”

Beaver angrily rose from his seat and launched into a tirade.

“Your desk! Not that old chestnut again! When will you face the facts. I bought Homeward from Wizard Blenkinsop fair and square. You should not have been so tight-fisted and undervalued it. Mine was the highest bid. You and your miscreant followers cannot accept the fact that this is, and always will be, the Socialist Republic of Homeward. Well I have news for you – the people are not interested in your crackpot ideas about free market Capitalism. They see them for what they are – a means for you to take over and run this place under despotic rule.

I am tired of your incessant carping – you are always moaning about the way I run this place but you always turn up on May Day and Christmas for the free feasts don’t you?

You have no idea of the hard work and selfless sacrifice needed to keep this commune in order and running efficiently. All you see is the grand events celebrating my achievements. Well I deserve them all. The citizens have never had it so good – we are the biggest Scob fish exporter in the World and they love the Homeward Welfare System. You always get a few dissenters, like yourself, who claim I am siphoning stuff off for myself… but let me tell you - most are just not interested in your claptrap philosophy. Get back to Badfort where you belong! Here’s Half a Crown – you can get yourself some of that disgusting Black Tom stuff !

Lads – escort the elephant out of my home.”

At that he threw a coin towards me.

I was dumbstruck – he almost sounded like me !

We were manhandled out of the Great Doors of Homeward. Hitmouse shouted out to us as the doors slammed shut. “I expect that you’ll be writing some libellous nonsense about this incident in The Badfort News? Why don’t you just leave us in peace?”

I looked dejectedly at The Old Monkey as we stumbled across the drawbridge. “Do you think if we pinch each other we will wake up?” he asked.

I looked across at Badfort. My flag flew over the ramparts. “Well, it looks as if, in this topsy-turvy world, that is now our home – so let us head there. At least it will provide refuge while we try and work out what has befallen us.”



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