The last days of the Homeward Olympic Games have been spectacular.
The Old Monkey even managed to persuade me to let Beaver and his Gang take part again.
In the interests of not allowing politics to interfere in the Olympian ideal.
I must admit Beaver excelled himself in the Dwarf Throwing event. Although, I suspect, that this was merely an excuse to vent his anger on certain dwarfs who deserted his so-called cause.
Unfortunately, because this was the final competition of the Olympics, it meant we had to listen to that dirge "Carry On Revolting" (the Badfort National Anthem) at the Closing Ceremony.
I was supposed to hand over the Olympic Flag to Noddy Ninety, Mayor of Badgertown - the venue for the 2012 Olympics.
He said he was not coming, however, as the ceremony clashed with a steam traction rally he was going to.
So the King of the Badgers has put that buffoon Boris Badger in charge. He turned up looking a sartorial mess as usual. I had to prod him at the ceremony as he was about to stick his hands in his pockets - as usual. Has that badger got no sense of protocol?
Anyway he waved the flag around a bit, and then we had to sit through some entertainment he had laid on.
It consisted of some badgers prancing around with umbrellas (some reference to the weather, which is always appalling in Badgertown) then a red bus came on. Almost immediately the roof fell off. If this is Boris's proposed solution to Badgertown's transport problems I can only say that I feel sorry for the commuters of that fair city.
At this point the famous pop star Cliff Badger started warbling his hit song from the film "Badger Holiday". This was clearly a reference to the fact that, in the film, Cliff Badger traveled around Europe on a red bus.
The film won many awards in its time with it's Bergmanesque treatise on the subtle psychological traumas we endure whilst on holiday.
Cliff had written new lyrics to tie in with the Olympics.
We're all going to the Badgertown 2012 Olympics. No more working for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the recession will be over by then. Lots of Gold Medals for Team Badger. For a couple of weeks.
We are sure Uncle will bail us out if things get tough. We are sure it won't all be a complete disaster. Everybody says it will put us on the map. Now lets see if its true.
Everybody loves Summer Olympics Watching athletes doing stuff. But those buildings better be good. To make our dreams come true For me and you.
As I suspected the lyrics somewhat gave away the King of the Badgers philosophy on these Games. He is always banging on about 'legacy'. He wants to make sure that he can reuse everything that is built. For instance, the badgers of Badgertown might be looking forward to moving into the Olympic Village when its all over - but will the athletes really want to live in underground burrows?
It is clear to me that the King of the Badgers has underestimated the cost of laying on something like this - no doubt it will not be long before he is coming to me for a handout.
The Badgetown hand-over entertainment was a lot of fun, I grant you, but hardly the well honed entertainment that I have laid on for this years games.
There have been accusations that the breathtaking spectacle was over controlled - but honestly the dwarfs are a recalcitrant bunch and they needed a bit of discipline instilled in them to pull of the Old Monkey's choreographed routines.
Mind you, I was not too happy when I found out that he had promised them a rent free year.
As for the Badfort News's accusation that I only won the Gold medal for kicking up because I caught Beaver off guard (and bribed the judges not to notice) - I will not even sink to their level by discussing such base allegations.
I must say it was a brilliant idea of mine to hire Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear to provide the spectacular finale to the games.
Certainly put the King of the Badgers efforts in the shade.
He is well loved by all - with his sincere smile, he and his bear manage to be outrageous , yet charming. However, the Old Monkey had to lend him a coat because he does not like to perform unless stylishly dressed.
Even the Badfort Crowd love him - they see him as a working class boy made good.
Personally I find it somewhat galling that I have had to work hard to gain world-wide celebrity and he has managed to achieve it merely by dancing with a bear. An American composer has even written a song about him!
Although my achievements have been detailed musically they have, as yet, failed to 'chart' - as I believe success in this field is termed.
I also believe his attitude towards money sets a bad example to the younger generation. Who needs money when you are funny ! - I ask you - a rather poor role model, I fear.
Who would think a boy and bear could be so well accepted everywhere?
It never ceases to amaze me how fair people can be!