Maharaja at the V&A

Maharaja: The Opening Night from Victoria and Albert Museum on Vimeo.

Recently, I went along to the opening night of the Maharaja exhibition at the V&A.

It is a showcase for the wealth of the Indian Royal Court - thrones, gem-encrusted weapons, a Rolls Royce...all very nice but not a patch on the riches of Homeward.

Take for example the Maharaja of Patiala, whom we see in a film of his birthday celebrations in 1940 wearing the Patiala necklace, re-set for his family between 1925 and 1928 by Cartier. The second largest commission ever filled by the Parisian jewellers, (the first being an item I designed for myself) it consists of five strands of huge diamonds, with the light yellow 234.61 caret De Beers diamond as its central pendant. The whole thing hangs over the birthday boy’s tunic like a glittering breast plate. The necklace is a wonder of natural beauty and supreme craftsmanship but not, somehow, an object for aesthetic contemplation.

Just so much bling, really. Thank God I’m not an elephant who looks vulgar in diamonds!



Needless to say they did not seem inclined to interview me for the above video - clearly they were very embarrassed about the life sized model of an elephant draped in silver necklaces in the first gallery.

To add insult to injury a, clearly, not very bright super model was interviewed and was surprised that a mere elephant would be wearing jewellery!

Only proving that elephantism still exists today.

The guests quaffed their champagne ignoring the 'elephant' in the room. For let it not been forgotten that the days of elephant slavery are, in reality, not long over.

Elephants were only allowed to wear jewellery to dazzle the populace, to bludgeon their senses and win their affections. Look at the enormous throne they were forced to carry!



I shed a tear looking at an image of my ancestors being forced to fight for the sport of humans.



Now I’m going to say something that’s going to get me in a lot of trouble.

Remarkable as all this is, it must be remembered that the best art was created for the Maharajas by elephants. Indian craftsman did not have the skills or imaginative vision of their Elephant counterparts.

The interviewer avoided me as he could see my mounting fury at the way my ancestors role had been portrayed!

I was about to storm out when the curator bounded up to me apologising profusely!

She begged me to allow them to put on an exhibition of the wealth of Homeward - her timing could not have been worse. I am always being asked to display the wonderful artifacts of my home and the exhibition had hardly put me in the mood to acquiesce to her desperate request. She remarked, however, on the fact that the Maharaja exhibition would pale in comparison to my own riches - which is of course true.

I have always had a place in my heart for the plucky poor people of Britain - and I felt at this time, when they are particularly poor, it might cheer them up to see some of the jewels in my crown.

So, I have agreed. Over the coming weeks I shall reveal to you some of the lovely paintings, photography, architecture, textiles and dress, jewellery, jewelled objects, metalwork and furniture that make up my home and that will be included in the exhibition.



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He is not Heavy, he is My Brother

I feel I have to respond to this inflammatory missive, criticising my brother Rudolph, on Mister Hateman's blog.

His welfare is of my concern, no burden is he to bear. There is some truth that in his youthful, and misguided days, he was a big-game hunter.

However, he has distanced himself from his difficult past and I am proud to call him my brother - even though the stories of his adventures do get somewhat boring.

He now helps people with their everyday problems of surviving in the wilderness. I know, for a fact, that Ray Mears owes his career to Rudolphs kind mentoring.

He is looked up to, by many, for his conservation work and rehabilitation of wild animals.

Some of them, particularly tigers, are quite wild - often furious when caught by him.

But he soon turns them into exemplary citizens who become a credit to my domain of Homeward.

I can also say, for certain, that he has never shot a baboon.

Postie Dwarfs on strike!

Postal dwarfs in Homeward have been holding intermittent one-day strikes for months in a row over the way Homeward Mail is being modernised.

The ungrateful shower!

The fact is that dwarfs have very short legs and have therefore been awfully slow on their rounds.

I have tried everything to enable them to modernise - I introduced the use of stilts for every postman. But all they have done is complain and moan about the difficulties they have balancing.

I warned them that jobs would be lost - the only alternative I could come up with was replacing them with giraffes.

A giraffe has an average 6 feet long leg and whilst at 'cruising speed' will cover 15 feet with each long stride. Far more efficient than the diminutive dwarf.

A settlement has been reached, however. We all have Cowgill to thank for the solution - he has invented a steam driven bicycle.

At no small expense I have introduced them across the service and the dwarfs seem very happy with their new found mobility.

I trust one will hear no more complaints.




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A message from Uncle

A message from Uncle on the eightieth anniversary of the Wall Street crash, transmitted on the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation from Homeward Castle.

Eighty years ago today the Wall Street crash set off an unprecedented financial panic that led to the great depression.

Last year the world was faced with a big financial collapse which again triggered a global recession. Times are still tough, but thanks to my timely action and injection of capital – Global Capitalism has been saved.

Luckily, the economy of Homeward has never been in recession – and never will be whilst my treasury is full to the rafters!

As you know, I have come down hard on the bankers of Badgertown who have been responsible for much of the troubles that have beset us – however whilst we need to get rid of the excesses, let us not throw the baby out with the bath water.

Bonuses were not the cause of the credit crunch. I have therefore agreed to allow certain bonuses to be paid to all bankers who are behaving themselves. This will be in the form of luncheon vouchers redeemable in all my restaurants!

The battle to stop this global downturn becoming a second great depression is being won. And this isn’t happening by accident. It is being won because of the massive investments I have made in all the rubbish banks around the world.

I will be working with European Union leaders in Brussels this week. What matters is what I do.

Sharp practices by lenders such as Beaver Hateman - such as threatening people with clubs and duck bombs - will end.

Remember hard work, responsibility, integrity, good citizenship and fairness are my watch words.

My pledge to you is to make naughty bankers behaving themselves a reality and to see Homeward’s economy grow even more by the turn of the year.

The Lapel Badges of Beaver Hateman - A Warning!

The dangerous revolutionary, Beaver Hateman, has been expressing his ideological beliefs by sharing with his twitter followers photos of the lapel badges he wears:





As can be seen, they feature libelous insults upon my character and promote his radical left wing views and music.

The same dangerous views that he is freely allowed to espouse on Badfort TV.

Is it any wonder that I have been forced to block their scurrilous broadcasts!

I am all for freedom of speech but up with libel I will not put!


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Hoax Story Hoax!

I wish to make it clear to all my supporters that this story in The Badfort News suggesting that my celebratory balloon flight over Badgertown was a hoax is a hoax.

As you will be aware, the flight was arranged tocommemorate the anniversary of my purchase of Homeward.

I wish to make it clear that it was myself holding the balloons and that at no time were the citizens of Badgertown in any danger.

Some commentators have suggested that it would not be possible for balloons of such size to carry my physical weight. Apart from the impudence of impugning my svelte physique they are scientifically incorrect.

The Balloons contained Gleamhound's heavy gas - designed to be used by astronauts to counteract the effects of lack of gravity. This, of course, like all Gleamhound's preparations has the reverse effect and is an extremely buoyant in air.

As for the claim by The Badfort News that I said in a television interview that "I was just a stuffed dummy you know" - this was taken entirely out of context. I actually said "The flight was all in the aid of charity, you understand. People are always trying to get me to do good works but I am very choosy about the causes I give succour to. I like to play an active part rather than hand over large sums of money - some people just want a famous figure to front their campaigns but I will not be treated as if I was just a stuffed dummy you know"

I hope this clears up the true nature of events.

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A very enjoyable evening

We had a most enjoyable party to celebrate the anniversary of my purchase of the vast domain of Homeward.

There has been the usual sour grapes from the Badfort Crowd - a rather snide and derogative report has appeared in The Badfort News.

Why are some people so envious of fame and success?


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