Jed & Ward Controversy

I had not intended to write about my voting decisions on the Homeward Singing Competition, that is being broadcast by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation.

However, on Saturday I decided not to vote against the dwarf twins Jed & Ward - preferring to allow their fate to be decided by the public vote.

There has been such a storm of protest about this issue.

It is true that I have consistently said that their singing is appalling.

I have been accused, by the Badfort Crowd, of only pretending to be a fair judge whilst all along, really, being an extremely calculating millionaire tycoon and showbusiness mogul, who owns the production company that makes the singing competition.

They say I have cynically kept them in because of their popularity with the millions of dwarfs of Homeward and that I was scared of the ratings going down.

Let me make it clear - all the funds generated from this competition go to the many good causes that I support.

If you allow - which I think is right - the public to determine who wins, you've got to go with it. You don't have to agree with it but you have to go with it.

Besides, did the Badfort Crowd really think that I would let Sigismund Hateman go any further in the competition after he sang this?

Under a spreading chestnut tree,
The village tyrant stands;
Uncle, a mighty elephant is he,
With large and sinewy hands,
And the muscles of his waving trunk,
Are as strong as iron bands.

Week in, week out, from morn till night,
You can hear is boastings blow,
You can see him swing his loaded trunk
With measured beat and slow,
And he often kicks his neighbours up
When the evening sun is low.

Lying, swindling and boasting,
Onward through life he goes;
Each morning sees some crime begun,
Each evening sees it close;
Somebody bullied, somebody done,
Has earned a night's repose.

Thank goodness one can rely on the good citizens of Homeward and Badgertown to see this for the blatant Badfort propaganda that it is!

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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 2 - Part 3

This big carved table is also on display in the " Haute couture & Objets d'Art" gallery of my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward".

It formed the centrepiece of the Dining Room of Crack House and is ornamented with a very complicated pattern of leaves and acorns.

A very special and unusual object. The whole table tilts sideways revealing a square opening – proceeding down this visitors can see a recreation of the secret room below Crack House.

As you know, at first we thought this a mere dusty room full of rough furniture. Of course, we discovered on clearing the dust that the floor had a lovely yellow glow. Crack House was built upon a solid block of gold!

My first intention was to coin gold pieces from the great mass and to give one to all the inhabitants of Homeward. On one side is a picture of Homeward and on the other, on my followers insistence, because they argued that my good works are known to all, a picture of myself .

However, Cheapman felt that flooding the economy with such a vast sum would distort the economy, prices would rise and nobody would be better off. So it was decided that instead I would give each tenant a shilling when they came to pay their rent each week for a year!

This is the only coin actually minted from the huge lump of gold – on display for the first time.



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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 2 - Part 2

This is another beautiful exhibit from the second gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" entitled " Haute couture & Objets d'Art"

A gift from my good friend Cheapman, the well known store owner and entrepreneur, a beautiful pair of elephant’s boots encrusted with rubies and emeralds.

There is an interesting story that explains why Cheapman gave me such a noble present.

The Badfort News had printed a leaflet which read thus:

CHEAPMAN’S STORE. WEDNESDAY.
VAST QUANTITIES OF STOLEN GOODS
AT HALF-PRICE. COME EARLY.

A blatant lie. It caused a huge crowd to swarm into the store. The people were packed so tight that Cheapman was afraid that there would be an accident and that his good name would be gone forever. Beaver Hateman’s plan was to loot the store during the confusion. I immediately organised a free distribution of food outside the store to relieve the pressure inside.

Unbelievably, and with colossal cheek, Beaver Hateman walked right to the front of the free food queue and threatened the people behind him with a boar spear!

“Ha, ha!” he yelled “Bully bounty is here, is he? Thank you for the load of free grub, you boaster and blackguard!”

He did not go unpunished.

The shoes had been given to Cheapman’s father for saving the life of some rajah. Not being an elephant, he was not able to wear them, so he put them away. So grateful for my swift actions, Cheapman made a noble present of them to me.

“They are now yours." he declared "You have saved, if not my life, my reputation, and this is dearer to me than life. Accept them, I beseech you, and when you put them on remember my gratitude.”

I was too moved to speak and I always feel most proud whenever I wear them.

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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 2 - Part 1

The second gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" is entitled " Haute couture & Objets d'Art" and will include some of my my favorite clothes and works of art.

Foremost amongst these, of course, is one of my most treasured possessions - my throne. Made of solid gold and decorated with the most exquisite jewels it is truly a sight to behold.

It has been said that I have been the greatest fashion trend setter of our age.

I always aim for comfort. My 'look' is based around the Gentleman's Dressing Gown - in my favourite colour, purple. A mysterious colour, purple is associated with both nobility and spirituality.

On display will be my day gown, a detail of which can be seen below.



Also on display will be this Japanese silk dressing gown - used for formal occasions:



and my 'club' gown for evenings beside the fireplace with a bucket of cocoa:



One of the most splendid items on display will be this gift from the successful scrap-iron and general merchant T. Benefit Barworthy.

A magnificent elephant’s robe of white silk with gold facings and a jewelled collar and cuffs. I wear the splendid gold chain with ruby insets, for more ceremonial events.



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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 1

The first gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" is entitled "Bountiful Uncle" and will show some of my many charitable works.

Most famous of these is, undoubtably, the Dwarfs Drinking Fountains.

The centrepiece of this gallery, filling an entire wall, will be the painting of the opening of the fountains as realised by, the great artist, Waldovenison Smeare.



I have also arranged for parts of the fountain to be displayed, allowing visitors to view the splendid sculptures that make this otherwise utilitarian object into a great work of art.

Sections of the fountains containing some of the finest examples of the art deco style:



Here is photo showing how the individual drinking fountains work - water gushes from my trunk enabling passing dwarfs to partake of refreshment.



The centre piece of the fountain is, of course, four magnificent sculptures, of myself - filling the pool at the base of the fountains.



This is the text accompanying this exhibit:

Uncle is, rightly, very proud of the 144 drinking fountains he generously erected for trhe dwarfs in Lion Tower when he first became rich. Since then he has been a great benefactor to the people of Homeward - but this gift, being his first, will always have a special place in his heart.

They are very fine. Made in marble, each one is carved with an elephant's head from which water gushes.

At one time the fountains, sadly, fell into disuse. The dwarfs stopped using them.

It was discovered that a Mister Goatsby, friend of the Badfort Crowd, had been poisoning the water with Wizard Snipehazer's vinegar.

Maharaja at the V&A

Maharaja: The Opening Night from Victoria and Albert Museum on Vimeo.

Recently, I went along to the opening night of the Maharaja exhibition at the V&A.

It is a showcase for the wealth of the Indian Royal Court - thrones, gem-encrusted weapons, a Rolls Royce...all very nice but not a patch on the riches of Homeward.

Take for example the Maharaja of Patiala, whom we see in a film of his birthday celebrations in 1940 wearing the Patiala necklace, re-set for his family between 1925 and 1928 by Cartier. The second largest commission ever filled by the Parisian jewellers, (the first being an item I designed for myself) it consists of five strands of huge diamonds, with the light yellow 234.61 caret De Beers diamond as its central pendant. The whole thing hangs over the birthday boy’s tunic like a glittering breast plate. The necklace is a wonder of natural beauty and supreme craftsmanship but not, somehow, an object for aesthetic contemplation.

Just so much bling, really. Thank God I’m not an elephant who looks vulgar in diamonds!



Needless to say they did not seem inclined to interview me for the above video - clearly they were very embarrassed about the life sized model of an elephant draped in silver necklaces in the first gallery.

To add insult to injury a, clearly, not very bright super model was interviewed and was surprised that a mere elephant would be wearing jewellery!

Only proving that elephantism still exists today.

The guests quaffed their champagne ignoring the 'elephant' in the room. For let it not been forgotten that the days of elephant slavery are, in reality, not long over.

Elephants were only allowed to wear jewellery to dazzle the populace, to bludgeon their senses and win their affections. Look at the enormous throne they were forced to carry!



I shed a tear looking at an image of my ancestors being forced to fight for the sport of humans.



Now I’m going to say something that’s going to get me in a lot of trouble.

Remarkable as all this is, it must be remembered that the best art was created for the Maharajas by elephants. Indian craftsman did not have the skills or imaginative vision of their Elephant counterparts.

The interviewer avoided me as he could see my mounting fury at the way my ancestors role had been portrayed!

I was about to storm out when the curator bounded up to me apologising profusely!

She begged me to allow them to put on an exhibition of the wealth of Homeward - her timing could not have been worse. I am always being asked to display the wonderful artifacts of my home and the exhibition had hardly put me in the mood to acquiesce to her desperate request. She remarked, however, on the fact that the Maharaja exhibition would pale in comparison to my own riches - which is of course true.

I have always had a place in my heart for the plucky poor people of Britain - and I felt at this time, when they are particularly poor, it might cheer them up to see some of the jewels in my crown.

So, I have agreed. Over the coming weeks I shall reveal to you some of the lovely paintings, photography, architecture, textiles and dress, jewellery, jewelled objects, metalwork and furniture that make up my home and that will be included in the exhibition.



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He is not Heavy, he is My Brother

I feel I have to respond to this inflammatory missive, criticising my brother Rudolph, on Mister Hateman's blog.

His welfare is of my concern, no burden is he to bear. There is some truth that in his youthful, and misguided days, he was a big-game hunter.

However, he has distanced himself from his difficult past and I am proud to call him my brother - even though the stories of his adventures do get somewhat boring.

He now helps people with their everyday problems of surviving in the wilderness. I know, for a fact, that Ray Mears owes his career to Rudolphs kind mentoring.

He is looked up to, by many, for his conservation work and rehabilitation of wild animals.

Some of them, particularly tigers, are quite wild - often furious when caught by him.

But he soon turns them into exemplary citizens who become a credit to my domain of Homeward.

I can also say, for certain, that he has never shot a baboon.