Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 3

The third gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" is entitled "Transports of Delight" and showcases the various methods of transportation about my domain.

As you know, Homeward consists of hundreds of skyscrapers all joined together and surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it.

Switchback railways run from tower to tower, and an underground railway circles the perimeter.

On display will be many artifacts, such as tickets, timetables and posters.

They have all been selected by our resident railway expert and steam enthusiast, Noddy Ninety.

After school, during the school holidays, or when truanting from Doctor Lyre's Academy, he likes to drive the trains. He has chosen this picture of him and myself on a tour of my home.



The Gallery will also feature a model of my helicopter:



Pride of place, however, goes to my traction engine. I have lent it to the V&A to form the centrepiece of this gallery.



This is the description that accompanies it:

Cowgill, his engineer, always keeps Uncle’s traction engine, in first-class condition. It is garaged at his works, which are part of Uncle’s vast domain of Homeward. It is painted red; but the big fly-wheel is polished brass. In front of the engine is a small brass elephant as a mascot. This is kept very bright, but someone from Badfort often succeeds in throwing mud over it. This makes Uncle furious, for he can’t bear to see a spot on it. Uncle has a gilded armchair set among the coal, and there is a steam trumpet, which makes a noise like an elephant. It’s most thrilling to hear it.



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The Purple Gowned Philanthropist

The King of the Badgers insisted on making a speech last night, about me, at a banquet he held in my honour following the donations I have made for civic works.

It was most embarrassing:

"It is a privilege to make this speech thanking Uncle who is known throughout Homeward and Badgertown for his charitable work. He has a fine reputation as a philanthropist business elephant and benevolent employer. Why, he has even sent over some of the dwarfs, from his mines, to work on his own designs for the 'Home for Fallen Badgers'.

It is gratifying to see the good feeling between Uncle and his workdwarfs. Uncle doing the brainwork and his dwarfs doing the handwork. Both, doing their best and realising that their interests are identical. The true solution to the present depression and consequent social problems is work...and plenty of it!

None of this silly nonsense from the red flag wavers of Badfort!...who want everything shared out for nothing...most of those fellas are too lazy to work for a living....they just sit around drinking Black Tom all day!

If ever that Badfort Crowd were to get the upper hand there would just be a few of the artful dodgers, like Beaver Hateman, who would get all the Scob fish and there would be nothing left for the rest. There have to be elephants and workers and as long as the elephants are as clever and bountiful as Uncle, and the dwarfs as grateful and well-behaved as these chaps then everything will carry on in a grand manner!"

I do so hate having all this praise heaped on me - for I am merely doing my civic duty as all good leaders of men must.

I only hope that sneaky reporter from The Badfort News, Hitmouse, does not get wind of this speech - heaven knows what kind of nasty spin they might put on it.

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Jed & Ward Controversy

I had not intended to write about my voting decisions on the Homeward Singing Competition, that is being broadcast by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation.

However, on Saturday I decided not to vote against the dwarf twins Jed & Ward - preferring to allow their fate to be decided by the public vote.

There has been such a storm of protest about this issue.

It is true that I have consistently said that their singing is appalling.

I have been accused, by the Badfort Crowd, of only pretending to be a fair judge whilst all along, really, being an extremely calculating millionaire tycoon and showbusiness mogul, who owns the production company that makes the singing competition.

They say I have cynically kept them in because of their popularity with the millions of dwarfs of Homeward and that I was scared of the ratings going down.

Let me make it clear - all the funds generated from this competition go to the many good causes that I support.

If you allow - which I think is right - the public to determine who wins, you've got to go with it. You don't have to agree with it but you have to go with it.

Besides, did the Badfort Crowd really think that I would let Sigismund Hateman go any further in the competition after he sang this?

Under a spreading chestnut tree,
The village tyrant stands;
Uncle, a mighty elephant is he,
With large and sinewy hands,
And the muscles of his waving trunk,
Are as strong as iron bands.

Week in, week out, from morn till night,
You can hear is boastings blow,
You can see him swing his loaded trunk
With measured beat and slow,
And he often kicks his neighbours up
When the evening sun is low.

Lying, swindling and boasting,
Onward through life he goes;
Each morning sees some crime begun,
Each evening sees it close;
Somebody bullied, somebody done,
Has earned a night's repose.

Thank goodness one can rely on the good citizens of Homeward and Badgertown to see this for the blatant Badfort propaganda that it is!

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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 2 - Part 3

This big carved table is also on display in the " Haute couture & Objets d'Art" gallery of my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward".

It formed the centrepiece of the Dining Room of Crack House and is ornamented with a very complicated pattern of leaves and acorns.

A very special and unusual object. The whole table tilts sideways revealing a square opening – proceeding down this visitors can see a recreation of the secret room below Crack House.

As you know, at first we thought this a mere dusty room full of rough furniture. Of course, we discovered on clearing the dust that the floor had a lovely yellow glow. Crack House was built upon a solid block of gold!

My first intention was to coin gold pieces from the great mass and to give one to all the inhabitants of Homeward. On one side is a picture of Homeward and on the other, on my followers insistence, because they argued that my good works are known to all, a picture of myself .

However, Cheapman felt that flooding the economy with such a vast sum would distort the economy, prices would rise and nobody would be better off. So it was decided that instead I would give each tenant a shilling when they came to pay their rent each week for a year!

This is the only coin actually minted from the huge lump of gold – on display for the first time.



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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 2 - Part 2

This is another beautiful exhibit from the second gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" entitled " Haute couture & Objets d'Art"

A gift from my good friend Cheapman, the well known store owner and entrepreneur, a beautiful pair of elephant’s boots encrusted with rubies and emeralds.

There is an interesting story that explains why Cheapman gave me such a noble present.

The Badfort News had printed a leaflet which read thus:

CHEAPMAN’S STORE. WEDNESDAY.
VAST QUANTITIES OF STOLEN GOODS
AT HALF-PRICE. COME EARLY.

A blatant lie. It caused a huge crowd to swarm into the store. The people were packed so tight that Cheapman was afraid that there would be an accident and that his good name would be gone forever. Beaver Hateman’s plan was to loot the store during the confusion. I immediately organised a free distribution of food outside the store to relieve the pressure inside.

Unbelievably, and with colossal cheek, Beaver Hateman walked right to the front of the free food queue and threatened the people behind him with a boar spear!

“Ha, ha!” he yelled “Bully bounty is here, is he? Thank you for the load of free grub, you boaster and blackguard!”

He did not go unpunished.

The shoes had been given to Cheapman’s father for saving the life of some rajah. Not being an elephant, he was not able to wear them, so he put them away. So grateful for my swift actions, Cheapman made a noble present of them to me.

“They are now yours." he declared "You have saved, if not my life, my reputation, and this is dearer to me than life. Accept them, I beseech you, and when you put them on remember my gratitude.”

I was too moved to speak and I always feel most proud whenever I wear them.

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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 2 - Part 1

The second gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" is entitled " Haute couture & Objets d'Art" and will include some of my my favorite clothes and works of art.

Foremost amongst these, of course, is one of my most treasured possessions - my throne. Made of solid gold and decorated with the most exquisite jewels it is truly a sight to behold.

It has been said that I have been the greatest fashion trend setter of our age.

I always aim for comfort. My 'look' is based around the Gentleman's Dressing Gown - in my favourite colour, purple. A mysterious colour, purple is associated with both nobility and spirituality.

On display will be my day gown, a detail of which can be seen below.



Also on display will be this Japanese silk dressing gown - used for formal occasions:



and my 'club' gown for evenings beside the fireplace with a bucket of cocoa:



One of the most splendid items on display will be this gift from the successful scrap-iron and general merchant T. Benefit Barworthy.

A magnificent elephant’s robe of white silk with gold facings and a jewelled collar and cuffs. I wear the splendid gold chain with ruby insets, for more ceremonial events.



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Uncle at the V&A: Gallery 1

The first gallery in my exhibition at the V&A "Uncle and the Splendour of Homeward" is entitled "Bountiful Uncle" and will show some of my many charitable works.

Most famous of these is, undoubtably, the Dwarfs Drinking Fountains.

The centrepiece of this gallery, filling an entire wall, will be the painting of the opening of the fountains as realised by, the great artist, Waldovenison Smeare.



I have also arranged for parts of the fountain to be displayed, allowing visitors to view the splendid sculptures that make this otherwise utilitarian object into a great work of art.

Sections of the fountains containing some of the finest examples of the art deco style:



Here is photo showing how the individual drinking fountains work - water gushes from my trunk enabling passing dwarfs to partake of refreshment.



The centre piece of the fountain is, of course, four magnificent sculptures, of myself - filling the pool at the base of the fountains.



This is the text accompanying this exhibit:

Uncle is, rightly, very proud of the 144 drinking fountains he generously erected for trhe dwarfs in Lion Tower when he first became rich. Since then he has been a great benefactor to the people of Homeward - but this gift, being his first, will always have a special place in his heart.

They are very fine. Made in marble, each one is carved with an elephant's head from which water gushes.

At one time the fountains, sadly, fell into disuse. The dwarfs stopped using them.

It was discovered that a Mister Goatsby, friend of the Badfort Crowd, had been poisoning the water with Wizard Snipehazer's vinegar.