On being an entrepreneur

Mrs Slocombe said...

Worked hard doing what exactly sir? There seems to be, if not dissimulation, an elision between borrowing a bicycle and being a gazillionaire......

Entrepreneurship is often difficult and tricky, and extremely hard work. My passion for successful outcomes leads me to spending much time organising the available resources (mainly the dwarfs and my many properties) in new and more valuable ways.

If it were not for my huge abilities in this field I would never have been able to pay back the owner of the bicycle, which, I once, in my callow youth, appropriated for my own temporary use.

I think that a cheque for £2,000, six hundred casks of herrings, a thousand kegs of Turkish Delight, and fifty thousand first grade cheeses are hardly to be sneezed at.

In fact, he is constantly trying to persuade me to borrow his bike again.

Of all my great works I am most proud of the architectural projects I have sponsored.

Below you can see how this rather dreary Art Deco building has been tastefully modernised from a debauched place for the excessive consumption of alcohol into a branch of the Uncle chain of teashops.

What !

Captain's Log - Day 27

Having repulsed the invasion of the Pepperpot mosters, we were now puzzling over the appearance of a Police Box on Homeward Moonbase.

They are not an unusual sight - there are a couple of them on the base and, of course, many dotted all around Homeward.

But no one could remember having seem one in this particular spot.

We were examining the box when the door suddenly opened and a rather untidy young man poked his head out.

"Hello, how do you do? - I expect you will be needing my assistance to deal with the Pepperpots." he exclaimed, somewhat brashly.

"Hello, young man, I am Uncle and this is my moonbase - may I inquire as to your name?" I replied.

"I'm the Doctor." he said cheerily.

"Well, we have no need of your assistance, Doctor...?" I replied

"What!" he exclaimed.

"I see, well Doctor What..." I began...

"Who?" he interrupted.

"You!..you just said your name was What!" I replied in exasperation.

"That's not my name!" he said equally exasperated.

"So, who are you then?" I almost shouted.

"Yes, that's right!... Who, am I." he chirruped.

"Well, if you don't know what is your name, then how am I supposed to know who you are." I exclaimed.

"That's right Who, not What." he bantered.

I gave up on the argument - he was clearly an extremely bumptious and slightly deranged young man.

"Look, we have no need of your assistance - we have defeated the Pepperpots ourselves."

"What!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, please don't start that again! - the Pepperpots have run away. We don't need your help!"

At this he looked quite crestfallen. "You defeated the most dangerous aliens in the Universe by yourselves?....without my help?"

"Well, yes, it really wasn't that difficult, you know." I replied.

He looked very sad now, "Oh well, I suppose I better be going...", then he brightened up, he had clearly had an idea. "Would you like to look in my ship!...it's awfully special you know!"

He was clearly bonkers. "In your Police Box you mean?....alright I would be happy to have a look inside." I humoured him.

I walked inside. "I know what you are going to say, everybody says it...It's bigger on the inside than on the outside!" he shouted.

"Well yes, of course, it needs to be. Not much use as a Police Box if you can't get a decent force of coppers in it, is it?" I said, gently.

At this he looked crestfallen again. "You mean, you are not at all surprised?" he mumbled.

"Well, it's just playing around with the dimensions of space - isn't it? Wizard Blenkinsop has been making Police Boxes like this for years. Our boys in blue need somewhere that they can sit and have a brew up don't they? and then people know if they go to a Police Box they can get advice and assistance immediately. It's a lot cheaper use of land than having lots of Police Stations." I explained.

"Usually, people are quite impressed by my ship..." he muttered.

"Yes, now about your 'ship"...where exactly did you get it?" I inquired.

At this, the young man looked rather sheepish.

"Well, I sort of borrowed it..." he stuttered.

"Do you mean, you stole it?" I probed.

At this he suddenly panicked and pushed me out of the door.

The Police Box slowly disappeared.

"Hmmm, well I must admit I have never seen one do that before." I pondered to the Old Monkey.

Pepperpots repulsed !

Captain's Log - Day 26

Today we fought back against the Pepperpot monsters!

The combined forces of my followers and the Badfort Crowd launched an attack.

We burst into the dome of the moonbase to be confronted by what appeared to be a giant pepperpot with a sink plunger and an egg whisk attached. We knew from the description that the dwarf had given us that the egg whisk was in fact a lethal pepper spray.

We were soon surrounded by more of the pots. With their horrible grating voices they mocked us - "Resistance is useless, surrender now or we will fumigate you!"

"You are the ones who should be afraid," I replied "for you have made me very angry with your extremely naughty behaviour - you have clearly never faced a rampaging elephant. Nor have you faced the wrath of this happy breed of Homeward,("And Badfort" piped up Beaver), well yes, Badfort, as well I suppose, - our blessed plot, our little realm, our world - a precious stone set in the darkness of space.

It is ours and you shall not have it!!"

"You will obey!"came the reply from the heartless monsters.

" Come" I cried, rallying the troops, "We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; we shall save the world!"

"The elephant is initiating hostile action!" their leader squeaked.

"Fumigate! Fumigate! Fumigate!" they all cried.

They fired their pepper guns - which, of course, had no effect.

For Beaver, for once had had a good idea. We had all snorted some of Gleamhound's Sneezing Powder prior to our attack. As you know, all Gleamhound's potions work the opposite way.

The Pepperpot's spray had no effect on us at all.

We soon had them on the run - and I must say that the Badfort Crowd's Duck Bombs (which, ironically, they had intended to use themselves to overrun the Moonbase) worked a treat on the monsters eyestalks and motive ability - the sticky contents of the bombs both blinded them and gummed up their works.

They soon retreated back to their flying saucers with their sink plungers between their legs.

I think that they will think twice before making another assault on the people, dwarfs, and animals of earth.

We were just tidying up the mess of battle when we heard a strange wheezing and groaning sound.

"Hmmm, sounds like the noise you make when you are wallowing in one of your mud baths!" tittered Beaver.

I chose to ignore this sarcastic remark.

We looked around but could only see a Police Box. These are a common sight all over Homeward, and there are even a number of them on the Moonbase - but nobody could remember seeing one in this spot before?

Flying Saucers

Captain's Log - Day 25

After picking up Beaver Hateman and his crew we made our way home.

They spent the whole time whingeing about the rotten time they had spent stranded in space and eating all our cucumber sandwiches.

I felt I had to point out to Beaver that he had attempted to leave the Old Monkey adrift in space. and that if they had not drunk all their fuel they would never have got into that predicament.

As usual he attempted to blame it all on me - arguing that if I did not insist on having autocratic control of the moon, along with all my other capitalist assets, then he would not have had to try to wrest it back for the people.

Hogwash! I say!

The argument was gently simmering when Cowgill pointed up into the star studded moon sky. "Look! a flying saucer!" he cried.

He was right. Above us was a spinning disc - making its way towards the Homeward Moonbase.

"All haste, Cowgill - I suspect that trouble is afoot!" I commanded.

As we approached home a dwarf suddenly popped up from a crater.

"Oh Sir, thank goodness you are back - we have been invaded by giant pepperpot aliens!" he sobbed.

We finally managed to get him to calm down and tell us his story. "They are unstoppable and have taken over the moonbase, Sir. They plan to use it as their headquarters for the invasion of earth! Any resistance is quashed by a burst of their pepper guns. I have been sneezing for hours, Sir, and only managed to escape by sneaking into some ducting and down into the tunnels." he explained.

Beaver piped up "Don't worry Unc, them pepperpots will rue the day they took us on!"

He had a plan - and I must admit it was rather a good one.

Beaver Claims the Moon!

Captain's Log - Day 24

We tracked the object that was orbiting the moon using the Homeward Moonbase Radar.

Cowgill pinpointed the exact place and point of time that it would hit the surface.

We decided to have a picnic and discover what this object really was.

As we watched it through binoculars I soon realised that my worst fears were well founded. It was the Badfort Rocket.

It skimmed the the rugged lunar landscape, passing over towering peaks and deep craters.

Luckily, at this point, it's speed had slowed to such an extent that it's impact with the lunar surface was fairly gentle and thick layers of moon dust billowed up cushioning it from serious damage.

It did, however, come to rest on the very edge of a lunar crater. As it teetered on the brink Beaver's voice came over the radios in our helmets.

"Oi, is that you Unc? - look, we have all had to run up to the tail end so we don't slip in the crater - do us a favour, we need a heavy weight at that end. Could you sit on it?"

The bare-faced cheek of the fellow!

I sat on the tail fin whilst Beaver and his followers all staggered out of the rear hatch. They all looked pretty much done in. Clearly their days adrift had left them short of food and drink.

Beaver got out the Badfort Popular Front flag and stuck it into the moon's surface shouting "I claim this planet for the People's Republic of Badfort!" and promptly fainted.

I cannot believe that he had the effrontery to attempt to wrest control of the moon from me in such an underhand manner.

I promptly let go of the tail fin and let the rocket slide into the crater.

If he wants the moon so much lets see how he enjoys being stuck here!

Lunar Excursion

Captain's Log - Day 22

Today we decided to go for a day out on the moon's surface.

The dwarfs prefer staying underground and go everywhere on the Lunar Metro.

Clever old Cowgill, however, has managed to repair the moon cars, that the astronauts who visited, left here.

I must say that, considering they are over thirty years old, they are quite nippy.

We decided to have a slap up tea at Malley's Tea Room (Lunar Branch)

It was great fun - it even has a zero gravity room where one can have fun pouring the tea out and then floating around to catch it in ones mouth - or trunk.

I must say the moon is a splendid place for a cream tea.

As we were leaving the Old Monkey spotted a shooting star - and said we should all make a wish.

However, Cowgill declared "I don't think that is any natural phenomena - I suspect that it is a rocket that has been drawn into lunar orbit!"

Oh dear - I sincerely hope that it is not Beaver Hateman and his crew.

Innocent Elephant

Captain's Log - Day 19

Let me make it quite clear from the outset, despite reports in the Badfort media, I had nothing to do with the theft of a bike owned by a Mister David Cameron.

This is clearly another attempt by the Badfort Crowd to besmirch my good name by alluding to an incident from my youth. I hasten to add that I have never stolen a bicycle - merely borrowed one. An unfortunate affair, which resulted in a poorly made machine collapsing under my weight.

It is true that descriptions of the thief appear to match mine - but I suspect that this is another example of the Badfort Crowd using disguise to besmirch my good name.

Anyway, I could hardly be on the moon and stealing bicycles from Tesco's car park at the same time. I think one has to admit I have the perfect alibi.

Talking of the Badfort Crowd - we are all wondering what has become of it's eponymous leader.

We were expecting his rocket to land shortly after are own but there has been no sight of it.

I am becoming to feel sorry, even, for that miserable Hitmouse. At first he was crowing about how Mister Hateman would soon teach us a lesson and drive us off the moon - now he just wanders around weeping and moaning about the fate of his leader.

I suppose we will have to give him a lift home, despite the fact that he was prepared to leave the Old Monkey stranded on a meteorite. In fact the Old Monkey has been his main advocate - arguing that for Hitmouse the revolution is over, with their leader lost in space the Badfort Crowd will have to take up normal employment.

I am actually beginning to miss that awful Beaver - life will become quite boring without him.

I have already become somewhat tired of my visit to the moon. The dwarfs have insisted on showing me around all their mining operations - but, honestly, once you have seen one moon mine you have seen them all.

The dwarfs like being underground but I am beginning to miss the wind on my face.